I found out I was pregnant when I was 22. I had a great job, a career actually, friends, my own apartment, my college degree. It was the summer when everyone I knew was getting married and I had a ‘friend with benefits’ that I attended every wedding with. Sometimes we hooked up, sometimes not, I thought I was a totally together women.

I went in for my yearly exam and realized flipping through my planner I was late. Took a test there and it was negative, a few weeks later still late, the doctor did a blood test and called me at work with results. She told me I am so sorry but your test is positive, as we are not sure how far along you need to make a decision very quickly I can give you abortion information. I took the information and hung up. My only thought for the next few days was “I want my life from before that phone call back”. It’s been 15 years and I never got that life back. I went to a clinic a few days later and had an abortion. My body healed but my soul did not.

Following the abortion, I withdrew. I drank too much too often. I got into a very unhealthy relationship because I wanted more anything to think I did the right thing, I was going to find “the one” and what I did would be OK because then I would end up ok. God, who works all things for good, did find me, I accepted Jesus as my savior and I know my sin is forgiven.

I am a mom now to 4 children. When I was pregnant with my oldest daughter (a planned pregnancy), at my first ultrasound, 8 weeks, what should have been thrilling was horrifying. I saw her 8 week old body growing inside me, she wasn’t a clump of cells, she had a head, arms, and a heartbeat. I murdered my baby who was about the same age. That image haunts me. After that pregnancy I went on to have 3 miscarriages (they don’t tell you when you get an abortion that your chance of miscarriage goes way up but they will tell you after you miscarry the first time and every time after). The shame, the remorse I feel, I can’t describe it but I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy and this is how I feel knowing this sin won’t count against me in eternity. The shame and regret I feel isn’t because of religion, it’s because I killed my child. Writing those words is so hard. I did this and I can’t undo it. That person is gone, I don’t get a second chance for that person.

I was scared, I wasn’t ready, I didn’t want to deal with the fallout of people around me knowing I was careless and got pregnant with the wrong guy at the wrong time and so I committed legal murder to save my reputation in private. I gave into my fears before I could even grasp what I was doing. I could’ve made an adoption plan and made someone a family like several of my friends who have suffered from infertility; I have seen the gift these brave birth moms made, the beautiful families created because a birth mom choose life and an adopted mom grew that child in her heart! I could’ve done that but instead I was selfish and cowardly. I could’ve risen to the challenge and parented my child, when I went on to become a mom 5 years after my abortion, you know what, I didn’t feel ready then. My life wasn’t perfect, I’m not perfect but I’m a pretty good mom and my kids are amazing and they will make the world a better place because they are alive.

To you, reading this, I don’t know your situation, I don’t know how you got here, but I know if you think you will go to a clinic, have a procedure and you will get your life back, I am certain you won’t. Your life, pre-pregnancy, pre a life being created and growing in your womb will never return, you will never be the same again, because now, you have a life inside of you, you will let it grow or you will kill it but you can’t ever make it like it wasn’t there. I’m sorry, sister I wish we could freeze time, just wait till later a better time, I wish the options weren’t so painful at every turn – know who ever you are reading this, my heart breaks for you. I hope you choose wiser than I did.” -Anonymous