“I want to share my testimony with you guys. I’m not going to sugarcoat it, so that people can understand the true horror of abortion...

I made the worst decision of my life by having an abortion at 19 (11 years ago). I was pressured into it by my former bf and 3 of his buddies. Telling me the best Choice was to abort because we were so young and unable to raise a child. I fell for the pressure and fell for the lies. I remember being so scared and confused. I felt completely alone. My ex made an appointment and I went to planned parenthood by myself (he had to work). I took the first dose of pills at there (first set of pills that stops the baby from growing, doesn’t actually abort the baby yet) and I immediately regretted my decision. In tears, i asked the nurse if I could take back my decision. I told her I want sure if I could go through it. She encouraged me to continue with the abortion otherwise my baby could have severe damages and disabilities. I couldn’t think I could live with myself to see my baby suffer because of my decision (looking back now i would have done whatever it took to save my baby) but once again my fear kicked in. Making me choose to continue.

I went back to my ex’s apartment and waited for the time to take my second dose. The dose that actually causes the abortion. I remember sitting on the couch around my ex and his friends watching tv, I was in complete numbness. Going over in my head the decision I had made and the depression that was already crippling my heart.

It was time for me to take the last dose. As I put the pills in my mouth and let them dissolve within 10 min i started to feel intense cramps. When the cramps became unbearable I made my way to the bathroom. I locked the door and experienced the most severe pain I had ever felt in my life. I sat on the toilet and bent over in pain. I wanted to scream but my ex and his friends were right outside the door in the living room watching tv (it was a small apartment). I grabbed a towel to bite on, in order to keep from screaming and was nearly passing out. As I got up i saw blood everywhere. I saw parts of my baby 😔 images I will never be able to erase. I fell to my knees in pain and was blacking out. Concerned that the guys would see all the blood and clumps, I got on my knees and cleaned it up. As soon as I left the bathroom I was about to faint when my ex helped me to bed.

The next two weeks was nothing but a blur. All I remember doing was laying in bed to sleep and cry. I didn’t eat, I didn’t shower. I didn’t answer phone calls, I didn’t go to school or work. I didn’t want to leave bed. I wasn’t even planning to go to my check up at planned parenthood, but my ex told me I should. I went by myself for the check up (once again he was working). They told me the abortion wasn’t successful. My parts of baby was still inside of me. The pill didn’t expel it all. I had to have an emergency D&C. The nurse sent me immediately to a room for the procedure and all I could hear were women screaming from the hallways. It sounded like a torture house. I was so numb on drugs they gave me. I asked for double dose of the anxiety pills.

As I walked into the room I saw a table full of surgical instruments still full of blood. They had accidentally sent me in a room without cleaning up first. The head nurse seemed really upset that I saw it (I know now it is unethical for a patient to see that) but in that moment I was way too drugged to care.

As they performed the D&C I couldn’t help but think my baby was a fighter. The guilt was crippling every fiber of my being and I was just waiting for the second to end it and go back home to lay in bed. Once the procedure was done i called my ex to pick me up. When I left the clinic there were protestors outside. The only sign I was able to read was one that said “Abortion is murder. You’re going to Hell”. I felt so condemned. I felt like Hell was where I deserved to go.

The next 6 months of my life was pure darkness. Pure depression. I started drinking heavily and smoking weed everyday to escape. I would often cut myself with razors to release the pain I had inside. I remember one night I wrote out my suicide letter. I wrote my goodbyes to all my loved ones. By the grace if God, as I wrote my mom my goodbye I couldn’t bare the thought of all the pain I’d put her through. So only bc of that I didn’t go through with it. I accumulated so much debt during this time because i didn’t work. I dropped out of nursing school. I hardly ate. I went down to 110 lbs and I’m 5’9” in height. I didn’t visit my family or see friends. All I did was consume myself in the bed and cling unto my bf. the abortion caused several ovarian cysts and also resulted in endometriosis. Both of which i was diagnosed and underwent surgeries within 1-2 years of having an abortion.

My ex and i inevitably broke up. And i spent many years living in self destruction because of my abortion. Until I found Christ. Christ truly healed me and restored me. Although I will have to forever live with my decision and mourn the loss of my baby, I know I am forgiven...and after 11 years I have learned to forgive myself.

I share this because abortion is so evil in its core. What it does to the innocent, and what it does to women is very real. Society can act like it’s a compassionate decision and a woman’s right all they want...but as soon as they convince you to abort, they leave you completely alone in your brokenness to figure it all out.

If any of you are contemplating abortion, please learn from my decision. It is NOT the easy way out. It is NOT the compassionate thing to do. It will forever leave a deep wound in your life.

If you have had an abortion, please know God forgives you! Jesus can heal you and restore you. He can turn your ashes to beauty and you can help save many lives and save many women from making the biggest mistake they’ll ever make.

If you read my whole testimony, thank you so much. Praise Jesus for forgiveness He freely gives!! i am now clean and sober, married with two beautiful bay boys! ❤️🙏🏼” - Dora Ann Esparza

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